The William Zabka Cookout

Things are gonna be different for Johnny Lawrence (William Zabka) this year. Everything is going to go his way as a senior.

Here he is on his way to win back his ex-girlfriend Ali (with an I).

“She’d be CRAZY not to take me back guys.”

“Oh dip! They don’t make ‘em like that back in Jersey!!” Daniel Larusso thinks to himself.

Your welcome.

“Who’s that guy?!? She’s mine, ALL mine!!”

“Oh, you wanna fight me for her? It’s your funeral!! STRIKE FIRST! STRIKE HARD! NO MERCY!!!”

Look at Daniel’s Jersey Shell defensive stance. It’s as open as the door to Tyler Perry’s closet.


“I’m not done with you yet Punk.” Johnny growls as a Mark Neumann doppelganger looks on.

Johnny’s casual smile and smooth pose in response to Daniel’s (Ralph Macchio) hardships is funny to me.

Daniel is giving us his best hard-scorn face. He hates this school. He also doesn’t need this team.

Tommy (Rob Garrison) also enjoys seeing Daniel struggle. Bobby (Ron Thomas) is too cool to care.

“Can we finish the dance!?!” Johnny asked in stern manner.

“Oh look, Larusso just got spaghetti sauce all over his white pants.”

“Look at him, the crowd loves him. Do it again could you?”

“Here’s your first lesson…how to take a FALL!” Johnny says to Daniel’s Stuntman. Daniel is left with no other option but to seek hand-to-hand combat lessons from his apartment complex’s sub-par maintenance man, Mr. Miyagi (Noriyuki Pat Morita).

Don’t be fooled by the boozy look on his face, Miyagi will work Daniel into peak fighting shape.

Said training consists of Daniel doing backbreaking manual labor and getting berated on an hourly basis as if he were sewing sweaters in a Southeast Asian sweatshop.

He always has to get in the last word too. Daniel can only take the verbal punishment in the hopes that things don’t escalate. It’s one thing to get your ass kicked by the elite sect of the Cobra Kai dojo, getting bitch slapped by your master is far worse.

In order to prove the harsh training worthwhile, Daniel will have to fend off the lesser Cobra Kai’s on his way to the inevitable showdown with Johnny in the finals. The first of the final four Cobra Kai’s for Daniel to slay is Tommy. If you don’t focus on his face too much, he looks like Luke Skywalker.

With feet that big, it wouldn’t surprise me if Tommy could in fact, walk on the sky.

Odds are your reaction would be similar if Ralph Macchio circa 1984 just eliminated you from an activity that required a certain level of physical prowess.

Daniel’s next opponent is none other than Dutch (Chad “My Dad is Steve” McQueen). Unfortunately for Chad, his career would only go downhill from here.

Next stop is a match against the aptly named Bobby Brown (Ron Thomas). The look on his face is indicative of some discomfort or trauma. I can’t quite conjure up what could be bothering him.

Oh wait, that explains his face. This is one of the more “unfortunate” grills I’ve ever stumbled across, if not the most.

Every clique has the big dude, and the Cobra Kai’s aren’t going into a tournament without their own big man representative. Sorry big dude with no name, you just got eliminated.

Fortunately for us, Tommy saw fit to stick around and support his fellow Cobra Kai.

Ladies and gentleman, he is really leaving it all out there on the floor.

If Rob Garrison were a better actor, Karate Kid would’ve been the first stop on the Garrison Express train to crazy face town.  He could have challenged Raul Julia’s legendarily grilltastic performance in Street Fighter as the greatest grill performance in history. Sadly though, we will never know what Garrison could have given us grill wise in subsequent film roles.

I knew you were going through Zabka withdrawal, you just didn’t want to admit it. Alas, fear not, for the real star of this post is ready to shine.

That is some vicious Hard Scorn we the viewers are being bombarded with. Also, does the headband really help Zabka here at all? His bangs are just overpowering it right now. In the real world he would have burning salty sweat droplets all up in his eyes. This could explain how he lost, cause its pretty clear who would win if this weren’t Hollywood.

“My eyes….the sweatband…it does nothing!!!”

In the end, Johnny’s over aggressiveness proved to be his most glaring weakness.

I find it hard to believe that Johnny Lawrence would crumble into a sea of man-tears after flukishly losing in the finals to Daniel. Also, this curly haired dude is clearly trying to open-mouth kiss Daniel.

I mean seriously though, that is not a grill befitting of  an All-Valley Karate Tournament champion.

This open-mouthed fury that John Kreese (Martin Kove) is unleashing is however.

Miyagi is happy because he won’t have to viciously beat Daniel for not winning and making him look bad.

RIP Pat Morita.

~ Boris


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  1. Excellent write-up. I love the Jersey related comments. The stuntman quip is choice as well. And ‘Chad “My Dad is Steve” McQueen’ had me rolling pretty good too. I offer this as my way of saying, “Thanks, baby.”

    Comment by christoph — 2009.03.14 #

  2. […] […]

    Pingback by We Have Lift Off | I Don't Get It — 2014.01.16 #

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